Resources for College Practitioners

Kindness: Words of Wisdom

(A. Solano)

A few years ago I had the privilege of Stanford Professor Bob Sutton share a piece I wrote on kindness (What is Success?) via social media. He also referred me to his colleague, University of Pennsylvania Professor, Adam Grant, whose research is primarily about how kindness improves organizational culture. I'd like to share some of Adam's words of wisdom about kindness.

First, in recent facilitations, I've shared my three strategies people can use to demonstrate kindness:

1. Cafecito Time: This means taking the time to have coffee (or tea, breaking bread, or perhaps happy hour) with someone who has concerns. We often come in cold to a committee meeting knowing there will be resistance to an idea or concept, but we don't take the time to have an informal setting with people to better understand their underlying concerns. Informal settings can lead to productive formal settings.

2. Art of Listening: Avoid listening to respond, and instead listen to learn. Sometimes we have an idea or counterargument that we can't wait to blurt out without taking the time to actually learn what the other person is saying.

3. Change One Word: Go from saying "Yes, but..." to "Yes, and..." This simple word change could improve the conversation dynamics. 

I'll add a 4th bonus kindness strategyStart and End Meetings on Time

Back to Adam, here are some of my favorite words of wisdom he shared via LinkedIn.

In healthy cultures, people rise by elevating others and fall by undermining others.

In toxic cultures, people are forced to choose between helping others and achieving success.

Choose the workplace where success comes from making others successful.

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When we say events are good or bad, we neglect the fact that experiences can be joyful and painful.

When we call people good or bad, we ignore the reality that humans are complicated.

When we resist the urge to simplify and evaluate, we see more clearly.

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Pressuring people to change is rarely effective. An alternative: helping them see inconsistencies between their beliefs and actions.

When we realize we're not using our knowledge or following the advice we give, cognitive dissonance kicks in.

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Managers know taking risks is good for their organizations. They hesitate out of fear that it's bad for their careers.

Punishing people for failed bets can stifle creativity. We're better off rewarding them for taking chances on bold ideas.

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A good apology isn’t about intentions. It’s about impact.

I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry I did. And I promise to do better next time.

Sometimes we’re so focused on defending our motives that we fail to see and acknowledge the consequences of our actions.

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Before taking a job offer, it's worth asking: do I want to become more like the people here?

You can aspire to change the culture of a group, but don't overlook how the culture will change you.

Few of us are immune to the values of the people around us.

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In moral philosophy, a society is just when we would join it without knowing our status in it.

What if leaders applied the same standard to their organizations?

If they wouldn't join, it's not a good sign about the culture of fairness.

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How close we come to achieving our potential depends in part on how we respond to the achievements of others.

The people who grow the most aren't threatened or deflated by someone else's success.

They see it as a source of insight and inspiration.

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Productivity in a day depends on the amount of time you spend doing.

Productivity in a year hinges on the amount of time you spend thinking.

Productivity in a career rests on the amount of time you spend learning.

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Yes, we all have blind spots: weaknesses we can’t or won’t see.

But we also have bright spots: strengths that aren't visible to us.

Teammates bring out the best in us when they hold up a mirror, so we can see our hidden strengths and put them into action.

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The true measure of leadership is not the authority you command or the number of followers you have.

Your success as a leader is how much good people do thanks to your presence.

Your legacy as a leader is how much good people keep doing in your absence.

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Our companies and countries need leaders who are givers, not takers.

Takers demand attention. Givers pay attention.

Takers brag about success. Givers take responsibility for failure.

Takers aim to be better than others. Givers strive to do better for others.

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After women get promoted to CEO, they’re twice as likely as men to get divorced.

Apparently one of the reasons is male ego.

Hey men: when the women you love succeed, it's not a threat to your status. It's a cause for celebration.

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Dreams without goals make you aimless.

Ambition without compassion makes you ruthless.

Compassion without passion makes you selfless.

Sustainable excellence—and long-term happiness—come from blending concern for others with concern for self.

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Listening well is more than talking less. It's skill in asking and responding.

Show an interest in people's interests, not in trying to judge their status.

Help them express their thoughts clearly and crystallize your understanding.

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When everyone wants to be the smartest person in the room, teams become dumb and dumber.

When people strive to raise the intelligence in the room, teams become smarter.

Surround yourself with people who focus more on improving others than proving themselves.

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To resolve conflicts, don’t shy away from misunderstandings. Give people a chance to correct them:

“What do people get wrong about you?”

People become more reasonable when you show an interest in seeing them as they see themselves.

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In grad school, on my first major paper, I wanted to include 2 undergraduates as coauthors.

An advisor told me it was a mistake.

I agreed, and coauthored the paper with 5 undergraduates instead.

Sharing credit with others takes nothing away from you.

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Narcissistic leaders refuse to change and choose to stagnate.

Humble leaders adapt to make themselves better.

Servant leaders reinvent themselves to make the people around them better.

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Enjoying helping others doesn't make it a selfish act. The joy is a byproduct, not the goal.

Help because you care. If it happens to elevate your mood, it doesn't make you less generous. It gives you energy to keep giving.

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Feeling gratitude is an emotion. Showing gratitude is an act of kindness. Appreciation is one of the highest forms of generosity.

Be thankful for all that you receive—and for all that you have to give.

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How not to use power:
-Demean others
-Brag about yourself
-Complain about how you're treated

If that's your M.O., you may hold a position of authority, but you're no leader.

Leaders don't take credit for doing good. They take responsibility for doing better.

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Don't take feedback as a judgment of you. Think of it as a judgment of a performance you gave.

No athlete or musician ever delivers a flawless performance. Neither will you.

Gauge your success by the progress you make from one performance to the next.

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Trust is not something you build. It's something you earn.

You can choose to act trustworthy by demonstrating your integrity, benevolence, and reliability.

But it's up to others to grant you trust—and it's up to you to keep earning it.

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Changing the culture of an organization is daunting. Changing the culture of a team is doable.

(1) Model the values you want to see
(2) Identify and praise others who exemplify them
(3) Build a coalition of colleagues who are committed to the change

Final words...

Being kind doesn't require a serious demeanor. We shouldn't lose our sense of humor. Once we get to know people, it's sometimes appropriate to poke fun at our short-comings, mistakes, etc.  Being kind is about how we make others feel. Being kind also doesn't mean we have to abandon the need to sometimes be highly direct, candid, and forthright with someone. It's the totality of the conversations we have with someone that counts. 

As institutions of higher education continue on the road to transformation, don't forget to be kind. The hard work will be easier on you and others. 

Onward...

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Also visit:

Leading with Kindness

What is Success?

Kindness & Transformational Change

Teaching with Kindness

How to implement culture change & continuous improvement at your institution.

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Guide: Why Colleges Struggle to Implement Priorities & What To Do About It

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